Practice of stillness feedback: Alexey Kuzmitsky
Answering your question about my path, I will say this: there was no path. I learned about it literally two weeks ago, when I first got into the practice of stillness.
I will explain a little, at the age of 26 years my interest in life gradually disappeared (now I am 36). Then I didn’t understand it, and it seemed to me that everything is going fine, that it should be like this (home-work-home). Every year I kept losing the taste of life, and I realized that life was somehow going wrong.
Still, I indulged myself with some kind of illusions and said that this is normal, everyone lives like that. I deceived myself because I didn’t want to change anything. I let it go as it went. They say, so goes the world.
But year after year passed, and it didn’t get any easier. I couldn’t understand what was missing and, most importantly, I couldn’t understand what I wanted in this life. I didn’t do anything, didn’t search and, again, didn’t want to change anything.
I started a relationship in the hope that something would change. I changed jobs, but this helped for a while, and then everything returned to its place: the relationship fell apart, the work ceased to bring satisfaction.
About 5 years ago my father died, and my mother followed him. It all came together: dissatisfaction with life, the death of loved ones. This led to such a void in life I didn’t know how to find a way out. I didn’t want to look for the way out I took the easy way.
In order to somehow fill the void of life and feel alive, I tried everything. Alcohol, non-binding relationships, clubs, gambling, travelling, making new friends — it began to help. But in the end, as it turned out, it played a cruel joke on me. When everything became boring, life became even more boring and uninteresting than it was before. Depression began. Alcohol or something else didn’t help anymore, and if they did, it was only for a while. My heart became harder and harder every year.
Then life decided to give me a gift — I met a woman for building serious relationships and plans for the future. Everything seemed to be better, and there was interest but, as it turned out, just for a while. Everything stopped bringing joy. I did not want to drive or walk anywhere. I didn’t want anything. I closed in my small world and dreamed of only one thing — everyone left me alone. Naturally, the relationship fell apart, burying all my illusions about a bright future. More terrible days began. It got to the point that I did not want to wake up. Sunshine and good weather didn’t make me happy. Everything became indifferent to me at one moment. This is a terrible condition when you don’t give a damn about everything, and even yourself.
So, naturally, it could not continue for a long time, and the body failed. I became very sick, and a simple cold in such a state crippled me for the whole month. I just could not get better it was getting worse and worse. Then I stopped drinking pills and decided: let it go as it goes. You can say, I buried myself alive.
At this point, a friend suggested me about the practice of stillness and offered to go to class. I was skeptical and refused I knew that I am hopeless because life has lost its meaning. About a week later I felt so bad that I could hardly walk. I exhausted my body that I was afraid to look in the mirror — I saw a living dead there. And then some inner voice suddenly said to me: either you are changing something, or this is the end. For the first time in my life, I became scared, so scared and hurt that I just began to sob from helplessness. And at some point, I realized that no one could help me. I can only help myself. I decided to do something. There were no decisions in my head, but there was only an offer to visit the practice of silence. Then I was ready for anything, for any action to change something.
Maybe it would sound loud, but after the first lesson in the practice of stillness, I found inner peace and joy. I don’t even remember how I felt. Everything seemed to be turned upside down, all my worldviews, beliefs, and values. I could not believe it — as if I had been replaced. I looked forward to the next class. And each time I gained greater peace, began to notice that something changed in me. I reviewed all the videos of the awakening school, all the interviews of the awakened ones, went to the meeting with them, and I felt that it became interesting to me. If someone had told me before that this was possible, I would have never believed it. It’s like a new life has entered me. There was an interest in life, and I began to feel its taste as in the distant childhood.
After the 2nd lesson in practice, I had a goal. I determined to wake up from this nightmare. I realized that life could be different! I believe that I can do this, if not at this retreat, then at the next one. The desire is too big. And where there are a great desire and purpose, everything will be ok.
That is why I want to get on this retreat. I feel that I can. I will apply for it, no matter what.
Summarizing all the above, I would like to note that, as you see, there was no way. Life itself pushed me on this path. It is a pity that this did not happen before, but it is good that it happened.